Dougal: Sorry Ted. I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.

Dougal: I'm no good at judging the size of crowds Ted, but I'd say there's about seventeen million of them out there

Dougal: It's like a great big tide of jam. But jam made out of... old women.

Eoin McLove: Go away! I don't want to catch menopause!

Jack: DON'T TELL ME I'M STILL ON THAT FECKIN' ISLAND!!!

Jack: I love my brick!

Jack: ARSEBISCUITS!

Jack: I'm a happy camper!

Mrs. Doyle: Pat was just wondering if he could put his massive tool in my box.

Mrs. Doyle: I'm so excited. Taking on three bishops all at once. I can't wait.

Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins!

Mrs Doyle: Oh she writes such filth, Father. It's always "Feck this" and "Feck that" - and sometimes she even uses the "F" word!

Ted: (to Richard Wilson) I don't beleeeeeeeeeve it!

Ted: What am I doing on the fecking wheel!!!

Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These (pointing to plastic cows on table) are very small; those (pointing out of the window) are far away...

Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'

Ted: JUST PLAY THE F***ING NOTE!!!

Ted: So there he is. Risen from the dead. Like that feller.... E.T.

Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do. Whereas priests...
...More drink?

Father Fitzpatrick: And this is the last known photo of Herr Hitler; he's signing a few death warrants there.
Ted: Funny how you get more right-wing as you get older!

Mrs Doyle: Are you looking forward to your lunch tomorrow, Father?
Ted: Hmmm? I suppose so.
Mrs Doyle: You do like pheasant, don't you Father?
Ted: Pheasant? I love pheasant.
Mrs Doyle: Well there's a little clue. The thing you'll be eating likes pheasant as well.

Dougal: Hello there Len.
Bishop Brennan: Don't call me Len, you prick. Refer to me as 'Bishop Brennan'!
Dougal: Ah right you are there Len.

Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying Our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
Dougal: Oh right.

Dougal: Watch this, Ted. (rubs letters off blackboard) You see? You can rub off the letters.
Ted: But, Dougal, you can do that with any blackboard.
Dougal: What?

Pat Mustard: I'm a very careful man, Father.
Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom!
Pat: You're not advocating the use of artificial contraception now, are you?
Ted: Well, ye......well, no...well, naturally.....well, not really....well, of course you'd............JUST FECK OFF!

Ted: Dougal, don't you think that if we put this baby's moustache, this baby's head hair and this baby's sideboards together we'd get....Pat Mustard?
Dougal: D'you think the babies could be copying his style?
Ted: No, Dougal, I think Pat Mustard's been delivering more than just dairy products, if you see what I mean.
Dougal: Yes.......well........er...y..well.......yes.
Ted: Do you?
Dougal: No.

Ted: Dougal, have you been drinking?
Dougal: Yes Ted. I've been drinking like a mad eejit. (stage wink at Father Stack) I mean, no. I haven't.

Dougal: Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film?
Ted: Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn't mind, but it wasn't even a scary film.
Dougal: Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen with a mind of its own. If that isn't scary, I don't know what is.

Ted: What was it Jack used to say about the needy? He had a term for them.
Dougal: A shower of bastards.